


Daddy, I'm Alone

by aleia



Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Addiction, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Episode Related, Family Issues, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Hospitalization, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Medical, Medical Trauma, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Past Drug Addiction, Past Drug Use, References to Depression, References to Drugs, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Underage Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:00:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24292474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aleia/pseuds/aleia
Summary: This is an episode filler in Owen's point of few for the events following TK's overdose as shown in the Pilot. Please read the additional author notes at the beginning before reading even though I tried to tag the fuck out of this. The 3rd chapter contains additional author notes that did not fit in the just the author notes box.Also, though I'm not linking this to either of my series/fics, this is the headcanon I'm working with when I write 9-1-1: Lone Star stories.
Relationships: Owen Strand & TK Strand
Comments: 27
Kudos: 92





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **First, if you need someone to talk to, I’m of course including some resources:**   
>  [The National Suicide Prevention Hotline](https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org)
> 
> [The Trevor Project](http://www.thetrevorproject.org/) is a nationwide organization that provides a 24-hour phone hotline, as well as limited-hour webchat and text options, for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth.  
> o The TrevorLifeline can be reached at 1-866-488-7386.  
> o TrevorChat can be found at https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help-now/ (available 7 days a week from 3PM to 10PM ET).  
> o TrevorText can be reached by texting TREVOR to 1-202-304-1200 (available M-F from 3PM to 10PM ET).
> 
> [List of Suicide Crisis Lines by Country](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines)

Owen’s been on similar calls. He knows everything that’s supposed to be happening. He knows that they need to get TK to the hospital. He sees Meg pick up the pill bottle on the floor. Owen pulls TK back even though TK keeps trying to cling to him.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Owen says to try to sooth him enough to get a response. “Can you tell me how many pills you took?”

He’s not surprised when TK just says, “I don’t know. I don’t know.” TK’s eyes are glassy and it’s not just from the tears on his face.

“Okay. It’s okay. Did you take anything else besides these? Any other kinds of drugs?”

“No.”

“Do you know how many pills you started with?”

“Thirty. No. Twenty?”

“Sir, we should get him up.”

Andy helps lift him, but once TK’s standing, Owen takes his weight because TK doesn’t want to let him go.

“TK, come on. I need to you help me a little. We have to go down the stairs.”

It’s faster than getting a stretcher, but it’s still not as fast as Owen would like. TK’s wobbly and confused, but he doesn’t want anyone else on the crew to touch him. Owen tries to get more information from him on the way down. Did he drink any alcohol? Did he eat anything? Did he take all the pills at once? Does he remember what time? Was the sun coming up yet?

They need to know as much as possible when they get to the hospital and other than counting the pills that are left over, their best source of information is a currently a completely unreliable reporter. TK has been on calls like this himself. Owen always worries about him after, but TK says it helps him to help other people. Now, it’s like he doesn’t have any recollection of their procedures and questions. Worse, it’s like he just doesn’t care.

In the ambulance, Owen has to gently push TK down because they can’t treat him at all if he’s curled up against Owen’s chest. TK flinches when Meg tries to check his blood pressure.

“Hey, hey. I’m right here,” Owen says he cups TK’s cheek and turns TK to look at him. “You need to let her help you, okay?”

New tears trail down TK’s cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay. Just let us take care of you.”

The silence from Meg and Andy is obvious even as Owen keeps up his reassurances in between trying to ask TK their questions and direct TK when they need him to let them do something. Every sound seems amplified. The harsh rasp of every plastic package Meg rips open. The whimper TK lets out as she attaches the IV. The quiet way she calls out TK’s vitals to be recorded. Owen knows it’s worse for all of them because it’s TK on the table and it’s worse for TK because it’s Meg and Andy seeing him like this, but he couldn’t just call 911. Only his own crew would use the battering ram on TK’s apartment just because Owen told them to. And it’s because he didn’t wait that TK’s awake and looking at him even if his face is full of so much fear and shame. They can get over that. They can move on because TK’s alive for them to do it.

“Go back to work. Michaels is in charge,” Owen says after TK is out of the ambulance. “If you need to take the rest of the day, tell him I said it’s fine. _Thank you._ ”

There’s a white board near TK’s hospital bed with the code for a suicide attempt on it even though they don’t know for sure that’s what happened. TK’s eyes keep closing and Owen has to keep talking to him to keep him awake. The list of topics he wants to avoid is too long. Owen talks about a movie he saw last week while TK stares blankly and whines because Owen won’t let him go to sleep.

“He needs to drink this,” the nurse says and hands Owen a large cup of thick black liquid.

“It’s going to make me throw up?” TK asks her.

The nurse tells him no before looking back at Owen.

“Try to get him to drink all of it. The doctor will be by in a little while.”

She leaves an empty pan on the bed and adjusts TK’s bed so that he’s sitting up before leaving.

“Okay buddy, come on.” Owen says as he stands up. TK takes the cup, but Owen keeps one hand on it. TK’s had paramedic training. He knows what he’s being given and why. Or he should. Maybe he’s so out of it that he doesn’t know.

“Come on. You have to do this.” Owen pushes the cup toward him, and TK takes a gulp before sputtering and pushing it away.

“I can’t,” TK says with tears in his eyes. “I can’t.”

Owen’s never had to drink activated charcoal but looking at the dark grey sludge in the cup, Owen can’t blame him.

“I’m sorry. You have to. Come on. Try again. As much as you can.”

Owen keeps one hand on the cup and one hand on the back of TK’s head as he continually urges TK to take drinks. TK’s eyes water and tears drip down his cheeks. His lips and the sides of his mouth are coated in grey sludge. His whines and whimpers break Owen’s heart, but Owen still keeps pushing the cup back to him until TK gags and pushes him away. He gags on his own vomit and it drips down his chin on onto his t-shirt before Owen can get the pan under him. By the time it stops, TK is crying and there’s grey sludge all over his face, his shirt, and the bedsheet.

“I know. I’m sorry,” Owen says, combing back TK’s hair as he calls for a nurse. The same nurse comes back and makes a comment about the mess, but she shuts up after Owen glares at her. She leaves and a different nurse comes back with a hospital gown, two towels, a cup of water and a clean pan. Owen instantly likes her better.

“Do I have to keep drinking this?” TK asks.

She looks at the remaining cup of sludge and nods.

“Try to get him to drink a little more...maybe wait to clean him up.”

That makes TK start sobbing.

“I can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t. It’s awful. I can’t.”

“Shh. I know. I know.” Owen combs though his hair and wets the towel to clean the worst of the mess from his chin and neck as he tries to sooth him. “I know it’s awful, but you have to try. Just a little more, okay? You can do this.”

TK whimpers, but he lets Owen bring the cup back to his lips and he chokes down another fourth of the cup in miserable gulps before he throws up again.

“It’s okay. That’s enough,” the nurse says when she comes back to take away the pan and what’s left in the cup. The relief on TK’s face is obvious as he falls back against the bed. Owen combs back his hair and kisses his forehead. He tells TK that he did a good job and it’s okay like he’s six and just fell off his bike after trying to ride on his own for the first time.

They’re still in a big room with beds only divided by curtains. Owen wishes he had more privacy to clean TK up even though TK doesn’t seem to care. TK ignores the mess all over him as he lies back down and closes his eyes. Owen’s amazing kid who spends way too much time taking pictures of himself with his phone is in so much pain that he doesn’t care that he’s a complete mess of vomit and grey sludge. And Owen can’t even let him rest because he’s not supposed to sleep yet.

TK whines as Owen pulls at the hem of his t-shirt.

“I know. I’m sorry. Sit up for me so we can get this off.”

Owen tosses the T-shirt in the trash and wets one of the towels so he can clean the mess off of TK’s chest.

“I’m sorry,” TK mumbles as Owen gently turns his head to scrub under his chin.

“I know. It’s going to be okay.”

TK hasn’t been shy about his body for years, but Owen hates having him exposed the way that he is when he’s this weak. His arms are limp, but he lets Owen slip them through the sleeves of the gown with less resistance than when he was a toddler. When Owen goes back to work cleaning his face, his face scrunches at the first press of the towel and he turns his head away.

“I’m almost done, but you can’t sleep anyway,” Owen says as he threads his fingers in TK’s hair to both comfort him and hold him still. Again, Owen can’t help thinking of the way he used to wipe TK’s face like this after dinner. The way he would giggle and laugh and refuse to hold still in his highchair. Now he just goes limp and lets Owen work.

“Do you want some water? You can have a few sips to clean out your mouth.”

TK nods. When TK takes the cup of water, he at least holds it himself.

“Want to sleep,” TK says when he hands the cup back.

“I know, but you can’t sleep until we say you can. You have to stay awake for me.”

“I feel sick.”

“Sick how?” When it comes to medical stuff, Owen knows less than TK, but Owen might be able to recall more of it right now.

“I want to throw up more, but I think I can’t.”

“That’s probably normal.”

Owen combs through his hair and TK sighs and relaxes into the pillow. It’s the most peaceful he’s looked since he woke up and Owen hates that he can’t just let him rest.

“You can relax but you can’t go sleep okay?” Owen says.

TK nods.

“I need you answer me out loud so I know you’re awake.”

“Sorry. I’m awake. Don’t stop? Feels good.”

“I won’t stop as long as you keep answering me. Can you do that for me?”

“Yeah. Dad?”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry. I love you. I didn’t mean to.”

“I know. I love you too.”

Owen knows that they’re waiting for a good reason. Nurses have been by and checked TK’s vitals. They’ve taken his blood. They’ve said the doctor will look at results. There is an emergency room full of patients and Owen knows that they help people in the order that they need to make sure that they save the most people. But all the training in the world can’t make Owen think of anyone else except for TK. After a few minutes, tears start falling down TK’s cheeks again. Even TK’s sobs are weak like he’s lost the energy to really cry. Owen sits on the bed and holds his son until TK calms down again because it’s all he can do. He feels horrible about the part of him that’s just relieved to hear the obvious proof that TK’s awake and alive.

Owen’s still holding him when someone talks behind him.

“Physically, his body just needs to process the rest of the drugs. We’ll get him moved when we have space, but he can sleep for now if he wants to. We’ll move him to a room when we have something that opens up.”

Owen nods. He should probably think of some questions, but he’s still holding TK and the doctor doesn’t seem to want to wait.

“Hear that? You can sleep now,” Owen says as he lets TK lie back down before standing up.

“Don’t go?”

Owen kisses his forehead and goes back to combing through his hair.

“I’ll be right here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **If you need someone to talk to, I’m of course including some resources:**
> 
> [The National Suicide Prevention Hotline](https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org)
> 
> [The Trevor Project](http://www.thetrevorproject.org/) is a nationwide organization that provides a 24-hour phone hotline, as well as limited-hour webchat and text options, for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth.  
> o The TrevorLifeline can be reached at 1-866-488-7386.  
> o TrevorChat can be found at https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help-now/ (available 7 days a week from 3PM to 10PM ET).  
> o TrevorText can be reached by texting TREVOR to 1-202-304-1200 (available M-F from 3PM to 10PM ET).
> 
> [List of Suicide Crisis Lines by Country](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines)


	2. Chapter 2

They have to wake TK up again so that he can move to a room, but he falls asleep again as soon as he’s allowed. As soon as he’s out, Owen wants to rest his head on the bed and fall asleep too. But he can’t. He needs to check in with the team. He needs answer all the texts on his phone. He needs to call Gwen.

 **Michaels:** Mark went by TK’s apartment to fix the door. He had to put a new lock on so let us know when to drop off the new keys.  
**Owen:** Thanks.  
**Michaels:** How’s he doing? We told everyone who wasn’t there that he’s just sick.  
**Owen:** Thank you. He’s fine now. He’s sleeping it off now and they’re going to put him on a psych hold. I need you to cover for me for now.  
**Michaels:** I got everything handled Cap.

***

“You’re still here.” TK says when he wakes up again hours later. It’s probably past visiting hours, but no one’s kicked him out. Maybe the uniform is helping.

“I said I would be.”

“I’m still tired.”

“Can you eat? They brought you food but said you could sleep and wait eat when you woke up.”

TK lets Owen help him sit up. He picks at the cold hospital food, but when Owen specifically asks him to eat, he does it without arguing. After Owen agrees he’s eaten enough, he gets up to go to the bathroom before lying back down in bed.

“You can go home if you want to change and eat real food,” TK tells him.

Owen wants to insist on staying, but he’s spent the last few hours thinking of everything he needs to do. He needs to get TK’s new keys. He needs to do a few things to officially take time off work. He needs to try to call Gwen again. Because right now at least TK is somewhere safe and once he’s out, Owen isn’t going to leave him alone.

“Do you want me to call anyone to stay with you?” Owen asks. “I’ll stay until you fall asleep again and come back early in the morning. You might not even miss me.”

“No. There’s no one to call.”

Owen could argue. TK has friends. Everyone at the station cares about him and wants to know how he’s doing. They’d come to check on him or sit with him. But the thing neither of them are saying is that TK hasn’t asked him to call Alex.

Instead, Owen sits with him and combs through his hair until he falls asleep again.

***

TK’s eyes are closed when Owen gets back to the hospital, but he opens them when Owen moves the chair close to the bed and sits down.

“They woke me up for breakfast and vitals,” TK tells him. “I’m supposed to see a shrink sometime today, but they don’t know when he’ll show up.”

“How do you feel?”

“Okay. Just tired,” TK says without really looking at him. “Dad?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we not talk about it yet? I’m just…I’m really tired.”

“Yeah. We can wait.”

Owen turns on the TV and turns changes channels until he finds a baseball game. TK closes his eyes again.

The first time this happened, TK was fifteen and Owen tried to make him talk. Trying to make him talk when he was fifteen was hard enough on a good day. Eventually, Owen listened to the doctor who told him that TK’s exhaustion was normal. They needed to determine if his overdose was accidental or purposeful and they needed a plan for treatment. But for TK, processing everything was exhausting, and it was pointless to push him without giving him some time to recover.

And back then, they’d concluded it was an accident. It was another year of struggling before TK accepted that his problems with substances weren’t just because he was having too much fun. And another two years before Owen finally relaxed and believed that rehab was going to stick.

Now TK’s going to have to start all over. And this doesn’t feel as much like an accident.

***

Gwen thinks he should send TK to an expensive impatient rehab facility. She can pay for it and the department will have to give him the time off. Owen doesn’t want to ship TK off like that. Gwen says he can’t make up for disappearing when TK was younger by babying him now. Owen pretends the call cuts out because she’s in Hong Kong.

TK meets with a psychiatrist without him. The doctor concludes that they won’t release TK unless they can transfer him to a facility or release him into someone else’s custody with a plan. TK won’t talk about it, so he stays in the hospital another day. Then next day they tell TK that he can either pick a choice or they’ll send him to the first inpatient mental health facility that has a bed open and it won’t be the fancy place Gwen picked out.

“Can I just go home with my dad?” TK asks.

The problem with releasing TK into Owen’s custody is that all the formality disappears once they’re out of the hospital. Owen can try to get him committed again, but it might not work. The best they can do is have a meeting and make a plan, but even if TK has to say that he’s going to follow it, he can start a fight as soon as he’s out.

“Dad, please. I don’t want to go to that place. I just want to go home with you,” TK says with pleading eyes that Owen hates saying no to.

“If I’m too much trouble, you can ship me off or whatever,” TK says.

“It’s not about you being trouble.” Owen never wants TK to think he’s burden. “I just need to know that you’ll let me help you. That you’ll follow the rules I come up with and follow through with getting help. And you’re going to talk to me about it. We can wait a couple days, but we’re going to have a real talk about what happened.”

TK promises, but it feels unfair. He has no other options. He’s still sleeping most of the day. Owen’s not sure he’s in a stable enough state of mind to really be making his own decisions. But those are their options and Owen can’t just send him away no matter how mad Gwen is going to be about it. If Owen can’t handle it and TK relapses again, they’ll do it her way. For now, TK’s an adult and Gwen’s in Hong Kong, so she doesn’t get to decide.

***

Owen goes to TK’s apartment with Mark. He’s one of TK’s closest friends at in the firehouse. He was off work the day of TK’s overdose, and Owen knows he feels awful about it even though Owen is relieved. If he was there to see TK crying in the ambulance, TK probably wouldn’t have texted him and insisted that Mark had to accompany Owen to the apartment.

“I’m not letting you take anything out of the apartment for him without me seeing it,” Owen tells him anyway.

“Can’t you just trust me?” Mark says. “He won’t talk to me. He’s asked me to do one thing and only one thing. You know I don’t want him to relapse again. I’m not going to rescue his drug stash if we find it.”

TK insists there’s no more drugs to find, but it wouldn’t be the first time he’s lied about it.

“I’m not taking any risks.”

“Do you seriously not know what he asked me to get for him?” Mark asks.

To be fair, Owen’s had a lot on his mind. The list of things he needs to get done is so long that he hasn’t had time to think so hard about something he’s not going to agree to anyway.

“What if you let me put things in a bag and watch me throw it directly in the dumpster?” Mark asks.

“TK’s not going to get mad about something being trashed?” Owen asked.

“He anticipated your resistance and said he’d rather accept his losses.”

When they get to TK’s apartment, the door is repaired and the mess that they left on the floor is gone. Owen knew that Mark had been by to fix the door, but it’s not until he’s inside that Owen realizes how relieved he is to not see any evidence of what happened. It’s not until Mark goes directly to the bedroom that Owen realizes the reason he’s here.

“You know I’ve accepted that my son probably has sex toys,” Owen calls after him.

“But are you ready to know exactly what they are?” Mark calls back. “Do you really want TK to know that you know? Isn’t he traumatized enough?”

“Are you prepared to make sure that none of them come apart so drugs can be hidden inside them?” Owen calls after him.

“I brought gloves.”

TK still hasn’t said Alex’s name, so Owen decides that he trusts Mark to put a few things in a box without Owen looking at them. He’d rather make sure TK has sex toys than increase the risk that he’ll sneak out to hook up and end up in a club where drugs are easier to get.

To Owen’s relief, they don’t find any drugs anywhere in the apartment. Mark agrees not to tell TK that they didn’t just pack him a couple bags—they packed up almost his entire apartment. If TK gets upset about it, Mark can point out that TK told him he wasn’t ready to talk about anything yet.

Owen tells the Deputy Fire Chief in Austin that he needs extra time to move, and he’s only coming if he can bring TK with him. TK has a good record and Owen has to hire an entire crew, so it’s an easy demand for them to meet. Owen leaves out the overdose that hasn’t been officially reported yet.

***

They release TK into his custody the next morning even though that really only counts until they walk out of the building. There’s a part of Owen that’s relieved that TK is still behaving a bit like a zombie, so Owen’s confident that he’s not going just make a run for it as soon as they’re outside.

TK barely reacts when he finds out that his bed has been moved from his apartment to Owen’s living room. He just sighs and goes to take a shower because he wants to wash off the hospital.

“Door cracked open,” Owen calls after him. TK doesn’t respond, but he does leave the door open a crack.

Owen’s prepared for TK to spend a couple more days sleeping. He uses the time to start packing and buy the first car he’s owned in years even though it’ll be a few days before he can pick it up. He never leaves the apartment for more than an hour, and he only does that when he’s sure TK’s too tired to go anywhere. He doesn’t tell TK that one of his friends in the NYPD is parking for his lunch break near the building whenever Owen leaves. It’s probably overkill, but he can’t just leave TK alone completely and not worry too much to get anything done.

On the third day, TK says, “When am I allowed to leave the apartment without you?”

“I don’t know. Are you ready to talk?”

Owen expects him to put it off, but he’s not a teenager anymore, so maybe it makes sense that he nods instead.

“Get dressed. Let’s take a walk.”

***

TK takes moving to Austin a lot better than Owen expected. Maybe he shouldn’t be surprised. TK wouldn’t look at Meg or Andy in the ambulance. Owen knows that TK hasn’t talked to anyone from the 252 because they keep asking Owen about him. By now, they know Owen’s leaving and TK’s not coming back. It feels like cheating to hold TK’s job over his head to make him follow rules, but Owen doesn’t want to take any risks. If TK hates him after this, then at least he’ll be alive. But it’s almost scarier when TK just nods along to his list of rules without emotion. He’ll go to meetings regularly until they leave New York. He’ll go to therapy twice a week once Owen finds him a therapist in Austin. He’ll continue going to meetings in Austin. He’ll tell Owen where he’s going and who he’s with and check in as often as he’s asked. He’ll take random drug tests if Owen asks him to.  
Maybe it’s just because he’s still so sapped of energy that he naps multiple times a day. Maybe the therapist that told him TK _wanted_ structure ten years ago was right and now he’s old enough to not fight it just because it’s expected.

Or maybe he’s broken in a different way this time. Owen can’t shake how unsure TK’s answer was when he said he wasn’t trying to kill himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love love love comments! Because of the nature of this story, I'm going to ask that all comments about the fic and my head cannons for TK and 9-1-1: Lone Star be put in the first two chapters. I am going to welcome questions about my own experience that was used to write this. So that I can answer those when my mental health is in a good place, please keep these comments in chapter 3. Thank you!
> 
> As always, if you find typos that were missed in editing, please feel free to tell me and I'll go fix them. I don't mind this at all. <3 
> 
> First the fun note I had while re-watching the pilot: I head-canon that TK tried to get Owen to give him the master bedroom with the jacuzzi tub. He’s still trying. He’s definitely used it (with permission) to relax. He’s tried to talk Carlos into using it when his dad’s not home.
> 
> Interesting note for other fic writers: 9-1-1 and Lone Star are great at updating their imdb listings. Meg, Andy and Michaels are the firefighters names as listed who come to TK’s apartment. Eddie’s sisters names are also listed in the episode where they appear even though they aren’t given names in the show. I’m waiting for this info be useful.
> 
> My personal head canon is that TK didn’t specifically try to kill himself. I think he was in pain and he wanted the pain to stop and he didn’t particularly care if he died or not. Of course, while those are two different things in theory, the end result is the same so they’re not really that different.
> 
> Chapter 3 of this fic explains a lot about my personal experience and how it was used for this story and how it was different from TK's story. If you don't want to read all that I just want to to say obviously, this is fiction because I wrote it to follow canon and just took advantage of Lone Star’s completely unclear timeline. TK is not me. Owen is not in anyway based off the person who was at the hospital with me when I overdosed or the people who helped with my recovery in the first few weeks after it. All Owen’s and TK’s actions throughout this whole process are written to reflect the characters and NOT me or anyone who assisted in my recovery. AKA: I knew the things that had to happen so they happened, but since they are happening to different people, words and physical interactions are entirely fictional. I gave TK the same/similar *physical* feelings, but he’s TK so he got TK emotions/reactions to them. In some cases, there may be similarities because there are only so many ways anyone will react to being given certain instructions, but that’s it. I mean, I was TK in this situation, and I wrote it from Owen’s point of view, so I feel like that’s implied, but also it needed to be said.
> 
> **Again, if you need someone to talk to, I’m of course including some resources:**
> 
> [The National Suicide Prevention Hotline](https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org)
> 
> [The Trevor Project](http://www.thetrevorproject.org/) is a nationwide organization that provides a 24-hour phone hotline, as well as limited-hour webchat and text options, for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth.  
> o The TrevorLifeline can be reached at 1-866-488-7386.  
> o TrevorChat can be found at https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help-now/ (available 7 days a week from 3PM to 10PM ET).  
> o TrevorText can be reached by texting TREVOR to 1-202-304-1200 (available M-F from 3PM to 10PM ET).
> 
> [List of Suicide Crisis Lines by Country](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines)


	3. Additional Author Notes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I thought it might be helpful to include some things about my own experience because the reason I wrote this is because of various conversations I've seen in fandom. Of course, people are different, hospitals and doctors are different. I can only talk about my personal experiences.

**Notable factual differences between my experience and TK’s:**

I’m not an addict like TK (though I am close to people who are). I was trying to kill myself for the overdose I drew details from and do have mental health issues. Some with similar symptoms to TK, some not. (Though they’ve been vague about it in the show, interviews have said he struggles with depression.) I was shipped off from California to Virginia to stay with friends because no one where I was living was prepared to try to care for me, so I did have a big move but it was facilitated differently and handled by multiple people. (Neither was anyone in Virginia but there was a team and they tried. And I guess they did succeed even with the messes because I’m alive and I’m actually doing very well even though unlike TK, I disliked Virginia and moved as soon as I was stable enough.)

Also, it’s worth noting that my hospital stay was very different because I didn’t have insurance and was therefore not allowed any personal items or visitors after I was moved from the ER. I was only allowed limited phone calls when my friends called and insisted on speaking to verify my welfare. TK’s experience after he’s moved out of the ER is influenced by two different hospital stays in different cities by myself, and someone else’s account while having health insurance.

They didn’t specify exactly what TK took. I’m not going to specify what I took or how much either. I don’t want to provide something that feels like instructions. Also, I didn’t go into cardiac arrest. I feel like TK recovered way too quickly from that, but let’s be honest, they did that for the drama so I’m just going from how TK was able to move and talk after he woke up.

**Facts that I took from real events:**

1\. TK’s mix of awareness at times and lack of awareness at other times. (I remember the ambulance ride, but I was just with the EMTs because no one came with me so it was a bit different. I was also way less emotional and already a greyed out zombie so they just talked around me. One of the paramedics was telling a story about strapping a guy down. It was weird and I remember thinking it was very inappropriate, but they kind of all just talked like I wasn’t there. Obviously, TK’s crew wouldn’t behave this way.)

2\. The transfer from ambulance to emergency room hallway bed is grazed over because even though I remember some details down to the sound and smell at various points, this block of time is for some reason a complete and total blank spot.

3\. My friend arrived at the emergency room at some point. My memory stops at the ambulance and picks up when he was there. I’ve actually never realized this until writing this. I know I got an IV in the ambulance because the paramedic said I had very tough skin that was hard to get the needle through, but it was gone at some point in the ER?

4\. The code for suicide being written on a board where they can see it. I swear it was just a giant blue 5150. They also do this in Florida where it says Baker Act. I googled and couldn’t find the code for New York, but I figured Owen knew what it meant if he saw it.

5\. The way the first nurse is harsh. Every single nurse and doctor in the ER for no insurance patients (yes they separate them) at San Francisco Memorial treated me like I was a nuisance because I’d done this to myself. I didn’t want Owen to have a total fit, so I also gave TK a nicer nurse later.

6\. The way every doctor and nurse addressed Owen and not TK the entire time. This drove me insane, but my friend was just trying to help and didn’t notice until I pointed it out much later. I was too out of it to argue, but even though I was answering questions and responding, they continued to address him. This is why I had them continually address Owen and tell him to handle TK. That was accurate. Side note: I will always write TK addressing patients directly because of this.

7\. The nurse lying about if that shit would make him throw up. I thought that I’d probably throw up and I wanted to be prepared, but I guess they thought I might refuse to drink it, so they said I wouldn’t. They actually didn’t leave me a pan, but I thought Owen would know better and say something if they left him totally unprepared.

8\. Every single thing about that awful drink. There was a fucking liter of it. It was disgusting. I actually puked it up multiple times and they always yelled at me for getting it on myself/the floor/the bed. I don’t know what they thought was going to happen when they kept not letting me move, not giving me something to throw up in and not listening when I was able to warn them. I actually puked more up a whole twenty minutes later during a transfer, but I didn’t want to write Owen changing TK a second time.

9\. TK’s complete lack of shame over his physical state. My friend did remove my shirt and redress me in full view of a crowded ward while I had no bra on. I just did not care. I was too miserable to give a shit. In retrospect, there are so many things wrong with this. Anyway, TK’s situation was a bit better because being shirtless as a man is less of a big deal. Also, it’s his dad. I feel like I should note that my friend was my ex (the one that told me he thought I was gay so maybe we should break up) so it wasn’t something he hadn’t seen before but I’m still not sure how I feel about them just expecting him to do this after being told that we were just friends. (I do NOT think he did anything wrong by doing it. He was not perfect but was amazing through all of this. I hope his new girlfriend treats him well and they live happily ever after.)

10\. Being released to someone’s custody even though really you can just ditch them (or they can ditch you). There was also a whole plan in place that was told to doctors but to be honest, I was only sort of aware of it. Because I was in a weird giant holding area for people with no insurance that they didn’t want to formally admit to the hospital, I was not given any details. I based this part of the story on a different, less serious event that occurred when I had insurance.

11\. TK’s general zombieness after. Since Owen went with him to Austin, I thought it made the most sense to have them spend at least a couple weeks in New York. I was put on a plane shortly after I was released and my friend in California packed up all my stuff and shipped it. I no longer remember if I was on that plane the day after my release or two days because I have lots of blank spots in the days following. I know that I had enough energy to quit my job for medical reasons and that’s all I remember. I was not left alone for any of this time. (Luckily, my friend worked from home and could work while I was passed out in his bed next to him.) I also slept on and off for basically the first week and a half I was in Virginia. Because TK has some more energy in the first Austin scenes, I let him do all that mess in New York. I was told that this was “normal.” Some of it’s physical, some of it is mental becoming physical. Your brain has to sleep extra just process the emotional trauma on top of the physical trauma.

12\. I personally think that TK probably purposely lost touch with lots of his NYC friends and maybe even asked for space officially and only reconnected after well, maybe not yet. There’s a lot of shame involved in a situation like this and also when you literally get shipped the fuck out of your life, it’s kind of easier to just never face it.

13\. This is one last thing that’s more of an opinion. I’ve seen various questions around fandom about Owen’s control over TK’s life. I obviously have things about decisions that were made for me that I didn’t like and hate that I wasn’t allowed to consent to. The thing is that I was not in a state of mind to make decisions and they had to get made. And in that mental state, it’s just kind of easier to do what people tell you because clearly your choices weren’t and then didn’t work out. The structure does help, and people aren’t perfect. As I recovered, I had more and more agency in a casual way. It was a discussion. From here my story loses similarities, but I think we do see progress in TK’s freedom. Yes, Owen makes him live in the same house, but I feel like by the end of the season, he could move out if he wanted. He clearly has enough freedom to hook up and start bar fights. I did not start bar fights, but I think his reckless behavior and description to everything being grey sounded fitting. In this whole process, I was shuffled between 4 people (5 if you count their significant others). It was 4 weeks before I was working and sort of operating independently. 2 months after that before I was fully supporting myself and not sleeping in my friends’ living room. I was not really completely independent until about a year and then I still had some assistance with my friend driving me to and from the doctor that was prescribing me meds. Owen doing this by himself and being basically TK’s support system until TK starts to trust more people in Austin kind of makes me forgive any mistakes he may have made.

Obviously, I’m sure lots of different people have different experiences. This is the first time I’ve really written any of these details or talked about a lot of them. I’m not going to go around trying to get lots of different opinions because this isn’t the kind of thing you go around asking people about to write a fanfic.

**Author's Note:**

> **If you need someone to talk to, I’m of course including some resources:**   
>  [The National Suicide Prevention Hotline](https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org)
> 
> [The Trevor Project](http://www.thetrevorproject.org/) is a nationwide organization that provides a 24-hour phone hotline, as well as limited-hour webchat and text options, for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth.  
> o The TrevorLifeline can be reached at 1-866-488-7386.  
> o TrevorChat can be found at https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help-now/ (available 7 days a week from 3PM to 10PM ET).  
> o TrevorText can be reached by texting TREVOR to 1-202-304-1200 (available M-F from 3PM to 10PM ET).
> 
> [List of Suicide Crisis Lines by Country](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines)


End file.
